Nothing. I feel nothing. Numb. The intense emotional highs and lows of the Tilt-a-Whirl have been replaced with a pervading calm. Not the sweet calm of the acceptance stage in the grieving process. An artificial calm imposed by a new prescription to treat the depression triggered by the death of my Mother.
I started taking the new medication about a week ago. Some of the side effects were immediate…headache, dizziness, nausea, and vomiting…but have diminished to the point of being tolerable. These side effects were accompanied by a marked increase in fatigue which has intensified over the same timeframe. The fatigue has grown to an overwhelming sense of exhaustion. All I want to do is sleep. When I’m not sleeping…I’m yawning. The least bit of activity requires a nap to replenish my energy reserves.
I constantly feel like I’m in a fog. Thoughts lose their way along the path to my mouth. Perhaps they are drown out by the elevated volume of the constant ringing in my ears. Speaking has become riddled with pauses as I search for words.
Is this existence really better? At least with the pain, I know that I am alive. I feel deep, heart wrenching loss…but I feel. I still want to sleep…curl up in a ball…and sleep while dreaming of Mom. And I can think…of the sweet memories and the things I wish I had done differently.
Medications help us when we’re sick. But is it really “better living through chemistry” when your life is shrouded in the mist? I’m looking forward to the day when the only chemicals in my body are those found naturally in the foods I eat. Until then, I think a lower dosage is in order.